Enough Already!

Wow! This fall has been a rough ride. I am ready for a new year to get here so that perhaps we can all have a fresh start.  Let me explain.

Aunt JoAnn

In mid September, my aunt JoAnn left us. She was the only remaining sibling of my mom.  She left behind my five cousins and their families. Due to several factors, including my mom's own health, she was unable to attend the services in North Carolina. This broke my heart. I hated the fact that mom was unable to say her goodbyes in person. I did attend and was able to reconnect with my cousins I have not seen in over 15+ years.

Bear

In mid October, our beloved dog Bear left us. He was almost 14 years old. Michael picked him out at the animal shelter when he was just a few months old. He was such a good boy, especially in his golden years. Losing a pet is so hard. It's gut wrenching. The pain seemed magnified watching our children deal with Bear's last moments. I miss him every day.

Uncle Bill

Last week my uncle Bill took his own life. He is my dad's youngest sibling. He was 66 years old. As a young girl growing up, my girl cousins and I thought he was so cool. He was funny and we loved hanging around him. I miss him already. I'm so sad for uncle Bill's family and his siblings. But I'm really heartbroken for my dad. In 1989, my brother, who was 18 at the time, committed suicide. So now, almost 30 years later, we are all experiencing this again. With uncle Bill's suicide, it dredged up all the old feelings we experienced  when Jeff died. (See a post I wrote about suicide and my brother after Robin William's died, if interested in my thoughts.)

My brother, Jeff

With suicide, there are always so many questions. Why? Why? And most of those questions will remain unanswered. It is so hard to deal with a family member's suicide. I pray none of you will ever have to experience this heartache.

December 1, a very dear friend lost her father on his 87th birthday. He had been experiencing health issues but that does not make it easier. At least now he is with the love of his life singing and dancing and free of pain.

I am extremely exhausted emotionally. I pray that we do not lose anyone else the remainder of this year. Please understand that if I have been distant or hard to reach, I've just been trying to comprehend all this loss over the past few months Trying to make some kind of sense out of it all. Thank you to all my family members and friends who have shared supportive and uplifting messages with me.

Funny How Life Works Sometimes

Sometimes it is crazy how life works out.  Last Christmas, I planned a cruise for the two of us to the Bahamas for this week (October 22-27). As the  time was approaching, I was really looking forward to this next adventure.

But then a little over a week ago, we had more pressing issues to deal with.  We had a pet who was struggling and eventually we had to say goodbye to him last Friday.

It was so strange not having him around in the house for 2 days before we left for Miami.  I wasn't excited about the cruise anymore.  My mind was overloaded with my grief. Ask LW, I was keeping myself busy cleaning the house and the yard.  I guess I was afraid if I sat too long, my memories of Bear would rush back and my emotions would overwhelm me.

Now I am glad we have been gone for a bit.  The distraction has been good for me.  Plus while we have been gone, Austin has had a "Boil Water Notice" in effect due to all the rain and the flooding.  It has lasted all week. I am so thankful I have not had to deal with that issue.  Hopefully by the time we get home, it will have ended.

Unfortunately,  I know the reality of losing Bear will hit me again when we walk in the door and he does not come to greet us.  But just with any loss, I'll just take it one day at a time.

Good Byes Are So Hard

This week has been one of the hardest weeks I've experienced in a long time. Early Tuesday morning we awoke to the sound of Bear's nails clambering on the hardwood floor next to our bed. When I finally got the light on to see what was going on, I saw that he had urinated on his pillow and the floor. I encouraged him to go outside but he was very wobbly as he walked. He actually banged into the wall. It was as if he were drunk. As we waited for the vet's office to open, he vomited twice and had increased difficulty walking and standing.

At 10, we loaded him in the car to head to the vet. He was able to walk but was wobbly and actually fell twice from losing his balance. LW finally carried him to the car.
Upon arrival at the vet, he was able to walk into the room, very shakily. The vet checked him out and listened as we explained the morning's events. He decided to treat him for vertigo. I didn't know dogs could experience vertigo. Bear was given fluids under the skin to avoid dehydration and a strong shot of something to help with the nausea. Massive drooling in dogs is a sign of nausea and boy was he drooling. We were given pills to administer at home over the next 4 days.  If it was vertigo, we should see some fairly quick improvements.

 We took him home, made him a bed of blankets in his favorite spot just outside Michael's room and my office. He stayed there all the rest of Tuesday, not even interested in water or food.

Late Tuesday, we attempted to get him up and to go outside for the bathroom. He was unable to stand or walk. And it was clearly stressing him out.

So he has remained on the bed we made for him, only moving when we need to change the soiled blankets. Then it is the three of us who actually move him. He has attempted to sit up but can't really do that. He lifts his head to look at you but can't maintain it for long.

He did get most of the way up on his haunches when I came in the house yesterday after a meeting. But soon he had to lay back down. He isn't eating but will take a little water every now and then. Overnight he licked on an ice cube.

Obviously there is more going on than vertigo. I told the boys that I actually wonder if he had had a seizure on Tuesday morning when he woke us up.

Now it is Friday. He has definitely declined. Not being able to walk or stand is no kind of life. I've been laying on the floor with him off and on since Tuesday. I want him to know I'm here and that he is not alone. But because of that I have not really slept since I woke up on Tuesday morning.  I am exhausted mentally and physically.  I should be napping now but I can't.  I want to stay busy near Bear.

Lauren will get here today around lunch and we have a vet appointment today at 4. We are most likely going to have to say good bye to him this afternoon.

This dog has been such a good boy. He laid with me and never left my side when I was stuck at home in bed with a broken leg in 2011. He loves his Michael, Lauren, David and daddy. He allowed a puppy named Luna to play with him when she first arrived in our home, even though I am sure he was not thrilled about it. He has tolerated the rambunctious Duke. He has been the best companion  a human could ask for and will be greatly missed.

My heart is breaking but as my mom said this is the price we pay for their love and faithfulness. She is absolutely correct and I wouldn't trade our time with this amazing animal just because it hurts now when we are about to lose him.

Please keep all of us in your thoughts. If you've been through this you know what we are experiencing. I appreciate all the comments and messages I have received. We are lucky to have such a great support system.

Look at these two doing what they do best..

Look at this beautiful guy!

Love you Bubba.💔

#pickmybookplease

Okay Friends,
I am searching for new books to add to my TBR (to be read) list.  So let's have a little fun with my search.

Here is what YOU have to do.  Post a comment on this blog, on Facebook, or Twitter telling me your all time favorite book that I need to read.  If you post on FB or Twitter, remember to tag me (@jenniferlw63) and use #pickmybookplease.

Here is what I will do.  I will pick 10 of the books posted, share my new list with all of you on this blog, on FB and Twitter.  Then I will get busy reading. After reading them, I will write a review on Goodreads and determine which is my new favorite.

If my new favorite was your recommendation, you will win this:

So let's do this.  The window for recommendations is open now and will close on October 14.  I will not take any more titles after the 14th.  Post your favorites!

A Break Up Letter

Dear Diet Coke,

This letter is to inform you that I am breaking up with you. I have found a new love, Water. I can no longer continue our relationship for the following reasons.
1. After spending long periods of time with you, my stomach becomes upset. In the past I have ignored my stomach pains because of my love for you. No longer. Water does not make me feel this way.
2. You have added too many pounds to my physique. If you loved me the way Water loves me, you would have deleted pounds instead of adding them.
3. My addiction to you is all consuming and that is going to stop. If I am going to be so addicted to something, it's going to be something that makes me feel healthy, like my new love, Water.
My heart wants to make my withdrawal from you slow  and careful but my brain says "tear that bandage off" and leave Diet Coke behind immediately. So that's what I must do. I know it will be painful. I know it will be hard. But I can do it! I must do it!

With loving affection,
Jennifer