Read At Your Own Risk

For the most part the recent responses to the death of Robin Williams have been respectful and endearing.  It's the news reports or the people who are commenting on social media that have made crass or rude comments/jokes about his death.  More specifically regarding his method of demise-suicide.  These people just don't stop to think.  Obviously they have never lost a loved one to suicide.

My family and  a few of my closest friends know that I have lost a loved one to suicide.  My brother Jeff.   It's not that I don't share the information on purpose.  It's just that the topic of suicide seems to set a lot of people on edge.  It seems that people are uncomfortable talking about it.  Also it's the looks I see in people's eyes sometimes when I have said something.  I know they mean well but somehow, I always walk away feeling like now they feel sorry for me.  I guess that's ok but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to know that people feel sorry for me.  Most people I encounter have never been on this side of the suicide table.

Allow me to give you a little background on my brother.  Jeff was born in July of 1971.  He arrived home to find he had 3 older sisters and he had long been anticipated.  He was the "little prince."  He was funny, outgoing, and very smart as a young child.  He was about 10 when my parents divorced and as so often happens, he got stuck in the middle.  As a teen he turned to drugs and alcohol.  He spent some time in rehab.  He missed my wedding because of it.  But that was ok because I was hopeful he was getting the help he needed.  While in high school he moved to the Seattle area with my mom, step dad and sisters. Things were looking up, at least from my vantage point. He completed high school there.  He had a girlfriend and an apartment and was planning to go to school . I didn't live there and only visited once a year, so I can't say for sure but I'll bet he had his moody days and I wouldn't be surprised to find out alcohol and possibly even drugs had snuck back into his life.

One evening in October of 1989, my youngest sister called and told me that Jeff had died.  He had used his rifle and shot himself. He was 18 years old. I barely remember the conversation.  But if you talk to Lester, he will tell you that that night is etched in his memory.

Recently, I read an article called "Building Bridges-Suicide Prevention Dialogue with Consumers and Survivors" that was put out by the US Department of Health and Human Services.  In it they said, "Suicide-talked about, attempted, completed-ripples like a stone dropped in a pond,..."  Well I can tell you first hand that it is not like a stone.  It is more like a boulder!

According to their statistics,  in 2011, suicide was the 10 th leading cause of death in the US with a suicide occurring every 13.3 minutes.  It was the 3rd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds and is 4x higher for males. Depression and addiction are the leading causes of suicide.  Access to firearms, which are the most common means for males, also exacerbates the problem.

I feel like the media has criminalized mental health problems. People, especially older people, are ashamed to seek help.  Like there is a stigma associated with mental illness.  I think they have oversimplified the reasons Robin Williams took his own life.  My gut feeling is that people who die by suicide don't have one reason for this act.  Depression, addiction, mental illness...all they want is for the pain to stop.  I believe they want to end their pain, not necessarily their life but they can't see through the pain to think rationally and long term.  They can't imagine the long term effects their suicide will have on their loved ones and the community.  They have lost all hope that things can change.

I know that agencies will tell you a list of signs to watch for and I do believe that if you are vigilant, maybe you can get help for someone who is contemplating suicide.  But I also believe that no matter what you do, how closely you listen, how closely you watch, there will always be those that slip through the cracks and take their own lives.  Some suicides may be premeditated...what I mean is that they have made comments, or shown signs.  But I believe there are some that we would never have seen coming.  Robin Williams may have been one of those.

I have no blame for my family in respect to not seeing the signs with my brother.  I know they would have done something had they know that was going to happen.  So for people to post on social media sites comments or jokes like "It's a shame no one could make that big a difference to you Robin when things got too hard to handle..."  That's bullshit.  Don't assume he didn't have a loving wife and kids that weren't there for him.  We've seen press releases and comments about the devastation his family is enduring.  Do you really think they would have ignored the signs had they realized the end result was losing him. The emotional toll and the effects of losing a loved one to suicide endure for the remainder of your life. All survivors go through stages of shock, anger, and guilt, and even depression themselves. It is devastating and life changing.

Sometimes, if you are very lucky (if that's what you want to call it), a bright spot can be seen through the darkness that is called surviving the aftermath of a suicide.  In my case, there were two such bright spots.

Shortly after Jeff's death, his girlfriend told our family that she was pregnant with Jeff's child.  Of course my family was a little skeptical but I can tell you that girl is his through and through.  From the moment she was born in June of 1990, the family genes were evident.  She looked just like our side of the family.  Blood tests confirmed it as well.  My beautiful, niece, Jessica, turned 24 this June.  She has had loving people in her life all along but she has also had her share of trials and tribulations.

The second bright light in this madness arrived in August of 1990.  Our daughter, Lauren Michele, arrived!  After being told that we would never have children, this little bundle of joy was just what we needed. We call her our miracle baby. I'm not really sure where I stand on the spiritual intervention deal, but some parts of me believe that she is here because Jeff left us.  That God, or whomever, knew we needed this.  Maybe it was Jeff.  If so, thank you little brother.  Although I wish we could have kept you as well.

Looking ahead, it will be 25 years this October.  Wow!  Jeff has been gone longer than he was alive.  How is that possible?  If I am calculating correctly (and that's a big if) he would have been 43 last month.  What I wouldn't give to see my baby brother as a middle aged man!

Here are some things I know for sure:
Suicidology.org will give you a list of what to look for and how to respond
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is there if needed-800-273-8255 24/7
I miss my brother every day.
Robin Williams will be missed both by his fans across the world and his family.
Ignorant people are just that...ignorant and not worth our time.


If you have gotten this far in this post, let me thank you for allowing me to rant about the ignorance people show in the difficult times of others.  Thank you for letting me share my story and hopefully share some insights into the feelings and thoughts of a family member that has lost a loved one to suicide.  These are my thoughts and only mine.  My sisters, parents and other family members may disagree with my thoughts, but all I can say is "to each his own."

Love to all, especially you Jeff,
Jennifer